The Truth behind The Truth behind The Barbeque
by enVii
Summary: Randomness is a long word. Anyway, want to know the truth behind the truth behind the barbeque? This is the essential companion guide to A Barbeque Too Far. Lots of happy homunculi like Envy and those other people, like the chibi chibi Alchemist...
1. A Mystical Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or anyone else that appears in this story. Seriously, I know it's hard to believe, but I don't.

Okay – this is basically a companion guide story to A Barbeque Too Far, clearing up things that didn't seem to make sense. It was my first story, and I'm sure I've confused many of my happy readers because although it is supposed to be random and not make too much sense, judging by the number of questions that appear in my reviews, there are a lot of things that need explaining. Enjoy – and tell me what you think!

**A Mystical Prologue**

Al was sitting on a bench in the park waiting for Edward. "I wonder where brother is… he said he was just going to Dante's house to borrow Wrath's crayons, but that was days ago."

Just then, a giant laser-jet printer fell from the sky.

"DIE SMALL EARTH BOY!" it said in one of those robot voices.

"Never – I've dealt with your type before!" Al pulled out some bubble gum and started chewing.

"MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH! You will soon meet your demise! Very very soon!" With this, the killer printer sprouted wheels and very slowly started squeaking towards Al.

"Hang on a sec – I'll just be a minute…" he said, chewing rapidly.

"What?" said the printer of eternal misfortune. "Does not compute! Why would I 'hang on a sec' if you're going to take a minute? SELF DESTRUCT! SELF DESTRUCT!"

Al was confused… it was almost too easy…

**MEANWHILE… AT DANTE'S HOUSE**

"Wrath! You can't just keep me locked in the basement forever!" yelled Edward.

"Yes I can!" shouted Wrath. "I have the Magical Death Device – or Magivice, as I like to call it! Isn't that right Magivice?"

"UH, YES IT IS." Appeared on the device.

"Wrath! That's not a Magical Death Device!" Edward insisted.

Wrath started jumping around the room for joy as he was so honoured that the mystical Magivice had chosen him to do its bidding. "Of course it is!" he said. "Look – I can even change the wallpaper! BEHOLD!" Wrath changed the on-screen wallpaper from ponies to a chibi picture of himself and showed Edward.

"WRATH! That's just a cell phone!"

"Don't be fooled you foolish boy!" said Wrath, disregarding the fact that he was even younger and (I know it doesn't sound possible) shorter.

"Seriously Wrath, I bet Envy, Greed, Pride and Lust are all sitting in the next room, laughing their heads off and sending you SMS's on that damn phone just to get you to do what they want!" Edward screamed.

"Damn he's good!" could be heard coming faintly from the next room.

"No… the Magivice would never steer me wrong!" said Wrath.

"DATZ RITE!" Showed up on the Magivice.

Suddenly the Magivice started ringing. "Ah! It's screaming!" cried Wrath. "Are you in pain, Magivice?"

Dante burst through the door. "Give me that!" she yelled, snatching it away. "Hello, Dante's Pizza Shop!"

"NOOOOOOO!" yelled Wrath. "You're hurting it!"

**AND NOW TO ROY!**

Colonel Mustang was sneaking around very suspiciously. "Hey Roy!" said one of the neighbours.

"SSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he, well, whispered - loudly.

He was looking for something – something important…(oh, forget about suspense! He was trying to steal Ed's barbeque equipment) "It must be around here somewhere…"

He tried looking under rocks, behind trees, and in the washing machine but it was nowhere to be found. "Damn…" he clicked in annoyance and accidentally burnt down the living room.

"Is this what you're looking for?" asked a mysterious voice.

"…No, I'm looking for the barbeque equipment – that's a photo of Edward and Envy in the talent quest," said Roy.

"Crap!" said the figure in shadows, which stepped into the light to reveal itself.

Roy was stunned, "Egad!" he said. It was a giant horned weasel. "A giant horned weasel!"

"A giant imported horned weasel, actually," it said, chuckling to itself.

"What do you want?" asked Roy, his fingers in position if clicking proved necessary.

"It's no use!" laughed the imported horned weasel. "I am resistant to fire! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA – " The manic laughter was interrupted as Roy threw some big metal thing at it.

"No…my spleen!" it cried, before collapsing.

Roy wiped his forehead. "I'm glad that's all over wi-"

"Ahhh – oh, the pain!" moaned the weasel, before collapsing once more.

"As I was saying," said Roy, "I'm glad that's over wi-"

"Ughhhhh!"

Roy was starting to get annoyed, so he put on earmuffs. "And now to resume my quest for Ed's barbeque equipment…BUT WHERE ON EARTH COULD IT- oh, there it is." As I'm sure you already knew, the metal thing he had thrown at the giant imported horned weasel was indeed the barbeque equipment.

"Hmmmm," he thought to himself, "I wonder what a giant imported horned weasel was doing here, and more importantly, why hasn't anyone caught me st- …borrowing the barbeque equipment yet? Oh well, I'm sure Al hasn't been confronted by some rabid electrical appliance, and I know Ed couldn't be being held captive at some weirdo's house…"

**MEANWHILE, AT SOME WEIRDO'S HOUSE**

Wrath was very sad that the others had betrayed him. They wouldn't have really cared, but his crying was very loud and their only pair of earmuffs had disappeared…

"Aw, c'mon Wrath," said Greed. "Stop crying – I'll buy you a lolly pop?"

"What do you think I am? Some sort of stupid kid? I'll never stop crying – NEVER!"

"How about LEGGO?" said Envy, with the all-too-familiar smirk.

"Damn he's good…" Wrath mumbled. "Alright, alright."

"Uh, guys?" Edward had been forgotten.

"Oh yeah, you…" said Envy.

"You can go," said Lust. "We've got somewhere to go anyway."

"OHHHHHH! Can I come, PLEASE?" Edward begged.

They were all rather perplexed. "Why exactly do you want to come?" asked Pride.

"Well, Al stole my pencil case, so I'm mad at him, and besides – I want to go out somewhere to get tanned for Roy's barbeque on Sunday! I still don't know what he's going to do though, since he ran over his barbeque equipment when he was backing out of his driveway…"

"Hey – that's what we were going to do!" said Sloth.

"Yeah – we're off to the beach to get tanned for the barbeque too," said Lust.

"The beeech!" said Gluttony.

"So we're all going then?" asked Greed.

"ENVY!"

"Kusooo…" Envy grumbled.

Dante burst through the door. "Envy – how many times do I have to tell you to put your dirty clothes IN the basket? The next time you just leave them lying around you can wash them yourself mister!"

"But Dante…" he whined.

"NO BUTS! And put on your uniform – I need you to deliver this pizza," She ordered, handing him the pizza and the address before making her departure and slamming the door behind her.

"What did Envy say before?" Wrath asked Sloth.

"I don't know – he always starts speaking in Japanese when he gets really mad."

"OH NO!" Envy exclaimed.

"What is it?" Edward asked him.

"The address… this is… YOU GUYS ARE COMING WITH ME!" said Envy.

"Before we go to the beach?" asked Greed, "Can't you go by yourself?"

"You don't understand…" said Envy, "this is Hughes' house!"

HoOraYY! First alternate story done! PLEASE REVIEW! Seriously, is this okay? Should I keep going or just shove it into A Barbeque too far? Thanks for reading it!

Please review, and if you got confused in A Barbeque Too Far, don't hesitate to ask me about it and I'll try to put an explanation into this alternate/explanation/answering unanswered questions story! Thank you!


	2. The Muffiny First Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA and none of the other stuff belongs tome either.

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They were all at Hughes' house for 4 days looking at photos of Elycia until Roy turned up and the second Hughes turned to open the door they were out the window and the sound of a car speeding away could be heard.

Envy couldn't drive so many pedestrians died that day.

On their way back to Dante's, Edward noticed that Al was engaged in battle with a laser-jet printer. The printer had dealt several major blows, and Al was covered in paper cuts, but he wasn't giving in. Still, Edward felt that he should try to help, but he was still mad about Al stealing his pencil case, so they all just watched. Envy's idea of parking, by the way, was crashing into an office building. He never liked brakes, he preferred the old fashioned way of stopping a moving object.

"Wazzup, homie?" Edward asked Al.

"I is getting owned by dis – what am I saying? I'm being attacked by a laser-jet printer!" cried Al.

"Oh, well… carry on!" said Edward.

The printer started aiming its lasers at Al, as well as the post office. "DIE LETTERS, DIE!" it said.

No matter how big the bubbles Al blew were, the printer would not stop its merciless onslaught! It got out the giant instant-death laser, and aimed it at Al.

"Al… OH FORGET THE PENCIL CASE! I'LL SAVE YOU BROTH-" Edward's alarm went off. "Oh crap – its time for FMA! Envy, do you have cable at Dante's?"

Envy nodded.

"THEN DRIVE!"

With that, they all jumped into the nearest car and drove away. Yes – the keys just happened to have been left inside.

They got back just in time, although they had missed the intro.

"Damn! I love the Rewrite intro!" said Sloth.

In the first commercial, they all decided to eat muffins, but Dante didn't have any, because she hated cooking and she wouldn't buy any because she thinks they're too expensive and every week when they go grocery shopping she is certain that they'll be on special the next week but they never are.

They couldn't even make the muffins themselves, because Dante was afraid that Envy would burn himself on the stove and the others didn't know how to use the stove and Envy couldn't show them how to use the stove because he wasn't allowed to use the stove because Dante wouldn't let him.

So they decided to go shopping for muffins.

Gluttony was left to tape the rest of the episode in case they didn't get back in time. They couldn't trust him in a food shop anyway.

They finally arrived at a muffin shop. There were all sorts of muffins – all the sizes of the rainbow!

"Yippee!" said Envy, upon discovering a green muffin.

"I think it's just mouldy, Envy…" said Wrath.

Envy sighed and put the muffin back, but he was crying on the inside. He was crying on the outside too.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Roy was only up to the 43rd photo album when Hughes went to answer the telephone. Roy was the one calling, he had his cell phone in his pocket and he had stayed up all night practising using it without looking in case he went blind by some freak accident… that may or may not be caused in a piano-related incident.

It was just the chance he needed to find the confidential file Hughes had about weasels and get out of there. Unfortunately, he was distracted by a jar of peanut butter on the kitchen table. Roy didn't have any peanut butter, he had spent many a year wondering whether life really was worth living without it…

"Must…have…PEANUT BUTTER!" yelled Roy. He pounced on the jar, before realising it was just painted onto the table.

**AND BACK TO THE OTHERS!**

"Do you think we have enough muffins?" asked Lust.

They had three trolleys full. But upon being asked whether they'd be using 'cash or credit card', they realised their little problem… "THESE MUFFINS AREN'T THE LOW FAT KIND!" screamed Envy, after which he fainted.

"Oh yeah – we don't have any money either," said Edward, emptying his pockets only to reveal some rubber bands and his pink Tamagochi.

Everyone sighed, at first Envy didn't, because he was still unconscious, but then when he regained consciousness, he did. Everyone called him 'Princess' from that point also.

Greed had an idea. Yes – this may be a good time to block your ears. "I know," he said, "all we have to do is disguise ourselves as firemen who are trying to rescue a kitten from a tree and we need the muffins to lure in a dog to chase it out of the tree because our special ladders broke when we drove the fire truck through the car wash ignoring the height limit."

"Maybe we could just steal them," said Pride, as though Greed had not spoken. "Our special abilities should ensure that we-" Pride was interrupted by a fire truck that smashed through the wall and squashed their carefully selected muffins.

"Hurry! We need three trolleys of muffins to lure in a dog to chase a trapped kitten down from a tree!" said one of the firemen.

The shopkeeper complied.

"See?" said Greed. "It worked for them…"

"You mean they weren't real firemen?" asked Edward.

There was no time to deal with the idiots – NO ONE interrupted Pride in the middle of a speech, NO ONE would get away with- Pride was distracted by a muffin with a smiley face on it and was immediately surrounded by hovering love hearts. The background even changed.

"I can see the whole scenario unfolding now," said Sloth. "He's going to keep that muffin and it's going to get mouldy and then he'll lock himself in his room for days and I'LL be the one who has to come up with an excuse as to why the Fuhrer's just disappeared…"

"Nah – it's only lust," said Lust, so we can assume she knows what she's talking about.

Anyway, they all went back to Dante's house with muffins once they had realised that they had no souls and could just tell the shopkeeper to look behind him and then run off with the muffins without feeling guilty. Edward felt a little guilty, but after much, MUCH thought he had realised that the fake firemen were actually the Military gang wearing firemen helmets so if they could steal muffins then so could he. He also just wasn't really thinking about what he was doing – seeing Riza in the fireman helmet with a fake moustache was just too funny.

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A/N WooPaH-Y! Please Review - it'll make up for the fact that they didn't share their stolen muffins with me. I am soooo way thankful to my reviewers, just a general statement - I am not actually responding... that would be against the rules...


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